Posted in Blog Posts

Sometimes Homework is Just Fanfic in Disguise

Sometimes a writing assignment is just a mental exercise. But sometimes a writing assignment turns out to be kind of like writing fanfiction. Which is precisely what happened in my screenwriting class last week. My professor asked us each to pick two characters from a current tv show or a recent movie and write their back-story. The trick was, we couldn’t include things that had already been revealed. Of course I picked Parks & Recreation. Deciding which characters I wanted to write was a bit more of a struggle. Leslie, Ron and Ben already have a wealth of information shared about them, so I wanted to write about characters that we didn’t really know much about. With no further ado, the abridged histories of Donna Meagle and Tom Haverford.

Donna Meagle

Donna Meagle wasn’t born in Pawnee, Indiana. She was born in Gary, Indiana and lived there with her parents and two older brothers until she graduated from high school. After being scouted by a plus-sized modeling agency at the local mall, she relocated to a small apartment in the heart of Indianapolis.

Her career was short-lived, though she was a very popular figurehead for her agency’s European division. A provocative spread she did for a high-end lingerie brand in Finland paid handsomely and gave her the money to buy her beloved Mercedes Benz.

In high school she was very popular; her personality blend of class-clown and diva easily won her the title of Prom Queen.

Despite her popularity with the opposite sex, Donna hasn’t been in a steady relationship since high school. She had dated a boy named Jimmy all throughout high school, but they broke up when Donna realized that she was wasting her time with only one man.

She has never been married, preferring the freedom of single life. That isn’t to say that men haven’t tried. She has been proposed to a total of four times by three different men.

Jimmy was the first to propose. He got down on one knee in front of her friends and family at their high school graduation party. She immediately dumped him.

The second proposal came from a guy named Chet she met during her time as a model. She had been in Europe for the job and they had a one-night-stand after an event hosted by her modeling agency. He shouted his proposal after her as she left the hotel the next morning; he was still handcuffed to the headboard.

The third and fourth proposals came in rapid succession. One of the checkout boys at the Pawnee grocery store jokingly proposed the first time that she went into the store. He tried again, only slightly more serious, only a week later.

Donna considers herself as having great taste. She was treated once for oniomania – a shopping addiction – and is currently in recovery. This compulsion, however, has put her in serious debt. She has three credit cards currently maxed out, which is a step up from the nine she had at the peak of her addiction.

One of her brothers is the defensive coordinator for the Indianapolis Colts. She, along with the rest of her family, have season tickets to all of the Colts home games. Her 30th birthday party was actually at the skybox of the stadium during a playoff game.

Donna finally moved from Indianapolis to the small-town of Pawnee when she was 27 and knew that her modeling career was over for good. She chose to move to Pawnee because she could live anonymously as an ex-model. The fact that it was ranked 4th in obesity nationally was also a convincing factor as she would fit in.

She ended up working at the Parks Department on a whim. She had just moved to Pawnee and needed to find a job to pay down her credit card debt. The job didn’t have very stringent qualifications and wouldn’t be too taxing, so she interviewed for the position. Ron Swanson hired her for her complete apathy toward local government and the parks system in general.

Tom Haverford

Tom grew up in South Carolina with the rest of his family until he went away to college in Indianapolis. He lived with his parents, grandparents, five older brothers and his younger sister. His brothers were always rambunctious and physically active. Tom was the runt of the family and was frequently relegated to playing dolls with his younger sister.

Tom didn’t hit the 5’ mark until freshman year of high school. To make up for his lack of physical appeal, he became the class clown and head of the student council.

Despite this, Tom was never popular. He did, however, manage to get everyone in the school to know his name, so he didn’t care if his classmates actually liked him or not. Because of his aggressively extroverted personality, people shied away from him and he had very few close friends. He only managed to get a date to prom because the girl he asked was dared to say yes.

He went away to college hoping to find a place where he fit in. In Indianapolis Tom enrolled as an American Studies major because he thought it would a) be easy and, b) give him a well-rounded background for whatever design/entrepreneurial/political job he could attain later in life.

He frequently asked girls out, but never got any positive responses because he was too “cute” and “nice.” His small stature and propensity to use pet-names before even entering a relationship did not help matters.

He was the mascot for his college athletic department. His small stature and boundless energy helped him win over the fans.

He worked in the cafeteria during college as part of a work-study job. He liked it because it allowed him to interact with so many people over the course of a day. That was where he met his future wife, Wendy. She had been crying over her meatloaf and Tom went to comfort her. She ended up pouring her heart out about being afraid of being deported and that’s how their tenuous friendship began.

Tom actually moved to Pawnee because of his wife’s job. He decided it would be a perfect place to launch his political career. He got a job at City Hall and the only open position was in Parks & Recreation. That suited him well, though, because the job wasn’t very taxing and he had plenty of free time to allot to figuring out how, exactly, he wanted to plan his entrepreneurial empire.

Tom decided to go into politics, not playing into some urge to help people have better lives, but to impress them. Five of his six siblings are doctors of some sort and the other is an actor in New York. Tom had always felt that he was living in the shadow of his siblings, so he wanted to make his parents proud. Becoming a famous politician seemed like a good enough plan for him.

Working in the Parks Department actually curtailed his desire to go into politics. That was where his dream to open his own company really flourished.

Despite feeling like a professional failure at times, Tom has quite a few personal achievements. For instance, he has won every karaoke contest he has ever entered. He has also designed his own manicure experience for men. He calls them “man”-cures.

Posted in Blog Posts

Blanket Fort Manifesto

On those hot, blustery days where the heat index tops out at 108 and you’re stuck in a dorm room, chilled to the bone thanks to the cranky thermostat you’re afraid to turn up in case you’ll never feel cool again, you need something to do. And it doesn’t matter that it’s Harry Potter Weekend, because that happens at least once a month and, besides, you can stream those movies online any damn time you want. What you can’t do any time is build a blanket fort. That requires a significant surplus of free time, an amenable roommate, and a damn good reason to not set foot outdoors for at least a few hours.

I firmly believe that you’re never too old for a blanket fort. What is a better well of childhood nostalgia? The only thing better about building blanket forts at 21 instead of 8 is that now your juice boxes can be alcoholic. But of course a blanket fort, like every good compound, needs a set of rules to operate by. With no further ado, the Blanket Fort Manifesto:

1)    On Construction:

  1. Exterior

i.     Though called a blanket fort, the actual materials used to construct the fortress can include: blankets, comforters, sheets, quilts, and throws. Pillows are acceptable, but should be limited to increasing comfort of in-fort activities (see section 3). And remember, a successful fort is one that blocks most, but not necessarily all, ambient light from outside of your citadel.

ii.     Be smart when deciding on where to place your fort. If possible, it should be in the living room. However, if you are living in a dorm room, that might be impossible. If able, you should place your fort in the same room as a television. Then again, we live in the age of streaming video, so this isn’t really as necessary as it was a decade ago. You can just fire up your laptop and pull up your Netflix Instant. But don’t be that guy. You’re in it for the nostalgia, right? Hunker down with some of your favorite Disney movies. Your neck cramps won’t last forever.

iii.     A blanket fort need not be a free-standing structure. Acceptable supports include, but are not limited to: couches, beds, chairs, desks, and dressers.

iv.     Under no circumstances are you to use tape, glue, yarn, thread, clips, etc. to fasten blankets together. You’re better than that.

2.  Interior

i.     Comfort is the name of the game. Sleeping bags, couch cushions, and pillows can all be considered fair game.

ii.     Proper lighting is important. As you don’t want a lot of ambient light filtering through your blankets and into the interior of your fort (that would show shoddy craftsmanship), you may find yourself wanting to see once you’re inside. As good at setting an atmosphere as candles can be, they’re fire hazards. Act accordingly. Battery powered lanterns, strategically placed flashlights, or that Yule log youtube video are excellent alternatives.

3.  Location

i.     Blanket forts are most successful when built as an excuse to stay indoors. Periods of excessive heat or cold are perfect reasons. Doesn’t the thought of cozying up inside a blanket fort in the wake of a thunderstorm/blizzard/heat wave sound fantastic?

2)    On the admission policy

  1. Be exclusive. You want your fort to be the coolest place you’ve ever imagined. Those daydreams you had of tree houses way back in the sixth grade? Well unless you’re the coolest parent ever, you probably don’t have one waiting in your future. This is your chance, buddy! Go crazy. It should be a privilege, nay an honor, to be invited into your fort. Invite visitors accordingly.
  2. Listen, this is your fort, your sanctuary. It’s a given that it will have limited square-footage that will rival the studio apartment you’re barely able to afford. Ergo, you can be as picky as you want. No boys allowed? Fine. No girls allowed? Okay then. No redheads? I don’t know who in their right mind would make that call, but sure, if that’s how you feel.

3)    Acceptable In-Fort Activities

  1. Marathon movies and television shows. It’s absolutely a great idea.
  2. Cuddle. Admit it, a blanket fort is a small, cozy, dare I say intimate space. Chances are you can’t fit more than two people inside without resorting to close human contact regardless. It’s nice to cuddle with a good friend or significant other. But listen, you’re not a little kid anymore so if you want to make out in your blanket fort, go for it. Who’s going to stop you?
  3. Tell stories. Share your favorite misadventures, wait until 2am and make up scary ghost stories, reminisce about the recent past, and enrapture your friends with those wacky urban legends only people from your lost-on-the-map hometown have ever heard of.
  4. Play videogames. Scavenge your old Gameboy and pop in that Pokémon Blue you’ve been meaning to beat for a decade now. Set up the N64, crack a beer, and play Mario Kart. Let your boyfriend teach you how to play that first-person shooter you’ve never heard of before.
  5. Read. What a novel idea. Crack open a well-loved book or break the spine of a new one. Utilize your local library, or borrow a dog-eared, marked-up beater from a friend. Trudge your way through a classic or breeze through an easy-read. It doesn’t matter if you’re picking up a piece of literature you never actually got around to reading in high school English or that new Fug Girls book (which is great, btw), the point is you’re reading. I can’t endorse this activity enough.

4)    Deconstruction

  1. Set a time limit for your fort. Preferably no longer than 48. The fact that you only have so long to enjoy it makes your haven all the more magical. Nothing good lasts forever, right? Besides, if properly constructed, your fort is taking up a significant portion of your living space. You’ll probably be too tired come Monday morning to want to take precious time navigating your way around it while trying not to be late for work.